Where to start, where to start? I know! How about with Britney Spears!

• The obvious: She looked way better than she has in a long time. Her ass, admittedly, was out of control in a good way. Some more of the obvious: WTF?! First, Mariah Carey, now Britney! It’s so nice to see that MTV cannot be bought out by publicists and managers at all. And be so charitable! She won her first 3 VMAs ever for a song and video that she basically had no part in other than just showing up and not throwing a fit. Britney’s had FAR better music videos than “Piece of Me” – ones that she’s actually had a sober hand in making. “Toxic” anyone? Even “Oops I Did It Again” – Titanic necklace and all – deserved to win over that video. Britney’s win just goes to show that even in the real world, people’s self-esteems are pampered to, just as though they were given an honorable mention in the 5th grade science fair.

Russell Brand

• Just…not funny. He tried way too hard (that’s what she said). The political jokes and the Jonas Brother jokes may have been funny if they hadn’t been repeated so many times. He made me laugh twice: The first time was when he called Michael Phelps a “real life Aquaman” and the second time was so hilarious that I can’t even remember it right now. But seriously, the Jonas Brothers/purity rings gag was just overdone. And ridiculously annoying because they weren’t even good.

Pink

• Awesome as always. Thanks to Rachel VC, I do love me some Pink. That song is catchy.

Jordin Sparks

• Still couldn’t tell you any of her music that isn’t “Tattoo” (and I only know that song when it gets to the chorus), but I give her mad props for going off-script and telling Russell Brand to shut the f*ck up about the purity ring jokes. Because we were all thinking it anyway.

Katy Perry

• She looked adorable, but I really wanted her to sound good and she just didn’t do anything for me. I was hoping to at least sing along with her cover of “Like a Virgin” but MTV only showed the first verse of it and then cut to commercial, before coming back in from commercial and showing us the last chorus of “I Kissed a Girl.” I wonder if that was also to cover the fact that she didn’t sound much better than a Simpson performance. Maybe I’m being too critical, but girl didn’t prove herself to me.

Miley Cyrus

• Is she 16 years old or is she 30 years old? Also, who told that girl that she knew how to sing?

Kanye

• Thank goodness for Kanye’s lack of short term memory because he, as ususal, kicked ass. Too bad he wasn’t featured more so.

Lindsay Lohan

• Looked and sounded sober. Good for her.

Back to what I said in the beginning, comparing the change we need in this country vs. the VMAs, it’s pretty straight forward: Re-vamp your channel to play music again or at least a healthy balance of music and television shows and don’t make every awards show seem like its geared only for 14-year-olds. That’s how you get people to watch them. That’s all I’ve got for now. My brain hurts. Though MTV did get huge ratings for this year’s show, probably because everyone tuned in to see Britney Spears.