I’ve been working on this stupid post for the last week & a half. I did this same thing last year on my MySpace blog (back when I still paid attention to MySpace more than twice a month). You take 15 (or in this case, 20) people & write down something that you’d like to say to them, except it’s completely anonymous. NO names. It’s supposed to be an exercise in getting things off your chest (not like I haven’t done enough of that since I started this blog lol). Anyway, I just reread the first one I did & a lot has changed since last year. It’s funny how life is. I’m not saying who’s who. You can try to guess (that’d be fun for me), but I’m not saying anything. Some are going to be very, very easy to figure out, others not so much. I love ambiguity.

1. The message you left me in Nov. was one of the most touching things that anyone has ever said to me, which is somewhat ironic considering most people would never guess that you’re the type to say such sweet things.

2. It’s been explained to me many, many times by many, many mutual friends, but I still don’t understand why you resented me so much in the first place. My offenses have been either unintentional or reactionary to how you treat me. I wish things could be different, whether you believe that or not.

3. I’m still ever so grateful that you never got involved in any of the drama a few years back; I was so scared that you’d write me off as crazy & take sides because I had done my fair share of damage for years. I’ll always consider you an older sister, a role model & a great person to have an adventure with.

4. I’ve never really thanked you for your startingly quick perception & subsequent speedy reaction at my graduation party. Thank you. Your genuine reaction(s) meant so much more than I can express without getting more mushy – and we both hate mushy, so I’m gonna stop.

5. To the other extremely observant, fast stair-climbing friend: I can’t think of a better person to start my “real world” life with, if we can ever actually get it started. And by “we” I mean “I”.

6. I miss you. I know everything’s different & you can’t be friends with me like you used to be, but I miss you & that’s why I’m so hard on you. It’s selfish, I know.

7. I’m proud of you. Your strength & determination hasn’t gone unnoticed. Thank you for getting me out of a very bad situation. I know you warned me repeatedly not to get into it in the first place, but not saying “I told you, it’s your own fault” (maybe bc you knew I knew it immediately) is a credit to your character.

8. Ever since I started to realize & accept it, I just can’t stop saying it, secretly hoping you’ll read it & understand (though the chances of you seeing this are very slim): You made the right choice. You’re happy, which now makes me smile. I could never have done that, but I really did want to.

9. You changed my attitude the most by letting me just be a miserable son-of-a-bitch all summer & then socratically tricking me into being ME again. I have no idea how you managed that, but 100 gold stars for you. Every bad place yields a positive. Ah, allusion & metaphor: How appropo.

10. I’ve come to understand you & respect you. I’m sorry that you’re so misunderstood by people, including a pre-6 months ago me. You don’t deserve it, I wish there was something more I could do to make people see that. But things never stay the same, I promise.

11. If there was anyone I ever wished I was more like, it’s you: confident, smart, sexy, self-aware. I don’t think our group would have survived if you weren’t the voice of reason. I love you, I wish you all the happiness in the world; Unite, fo’ lyfe.

12. Take a break or you’ll be more burned out & bitter in May than you can even imagine. Trust me. You’re being foolish by thinking you can do it all & you’re too talented to ruin it by stubbornly carrying the weight of it all.

13. You’re one of my closest friends, but your self-loathing rubs off on me & further spurs my own neuroses. I think you love to be miserable more than anyone else that I know. Your insecurities are so unfounded.

14. The moment that I really knew you were truly a beautiful person (in addition to amazing friend) was the moment you called to “check up” on me, because I know you were in a very difficult position & could’ve easily ignored the entire thing. That, my dear, was massive karma points for you.

15. It’s utterly amazing to think about how a year ago, we were calling each other lunatics & crying over whether or not we could salvage our friendship. It says a lot when you get through something like that even stronger, like it never even happened. I’m so glad we did bc I love you so much. “Breathe, just breathe”

16. I’ve spent the past 20 years wishing I could be more like you & that’s the truth of the matter.

17. (A 2-fer) A good deal of my everyday conversations & thoughts are credited to you two. I must have been one uninteresting girl before you. I miss you guys & what we had the most.

18. If you’re even reading this, I will be sincerely surprised. I wasn’t going to even include you because I’d love the chance to talk to (not yell at) you, but c’est la vie. At least I can say something. To start, I’m just going to take the easy way out & quote my girl Fiona Apple: “First you run like a fool just to be at my side/Now you run like a fool but you just run to hide/And I can’t abide.” I’m truly sorry things worked out as they did, though I can’t say you didn’t warn me. I’m also very sorry for how I presented myself to you towards the end, since that wasn’t the real me, just the one who was going through a confusing transition & dealing with hurt feelings. I’m actually pretty awesome. Friendship is always on the table. P.S. For someone who defines himself as “being laid back & going with the flow,” you certainly spend enough energy fighting a lot of what fate throws your way, huh?

19. I hope this year, you finally figure yourself out because you’re one of the most loyal & ambitious friends I’ve ever had, asshole.

20. You’re too much like me for your own good; I hate that because I’m scared you’ll fall into all the same ways to be as fucked up as I am. You’re so much better than you can see.